"Hoorah!" Sammie shouted. "We're playing pirates!"

"will you SHUT UP!" Frodo screamed, clutching his head and slamming the window.

The End.

part 2:

"come now, Mr Frodo," Sam said in a calming voice. "You don't have to be such a bitch all the time!"

"Oh, go and fuck your fag hag wife," Frodo retorted, throwing himself onto the bed dramatically and missing, falling to the floor.

"What was that?" Rosie said, poking her head through the door, then cursing, withdrawing, and opening the door before she looked in again.

"PIRATES!" came the camp shriek from outside, and Frodo sighed pitifully.

"All the way to mordor and back and STILL I can't get my contraception to work successfully," Frodo mourned, and Rosie thwapped him.

And thus, frodo emerged from bag end shortly after, and it was total coincidence that the patch over his eye (hiding the black eye from Rosie's broom) was a bit piratey.


Part 3:

"Sammie," Frodo said wearily, trying to repress the urge to swear very loudly, squinting a little in the bright sunlight to see Sammie capering around the garden brandishing a stick. "Where's your sister?"

Sammie halted, standing still and eyeing Frodo cautiously. "I can't tell you that."

Frodo sighed, passing a hand over his forehead dramatically. He stepped forward and promptly fell over a spade, as half of his vision was obscured by the patch. Once again repressing the urge to swear, he asked "Why not?"

Sammie eyed the garden shiftily. "Because pirates can't give away their secret hiding places."

Uh-oh. Frodo frowned, glancing at the spade then back up at Sammie. "You haven't buried her, have you?"

BAM BAM BAM


Part 4:

Frodo and Sammie dug Daisy up, who was very put out because she'd just discovered a particularly tasty colony of worms. Sam and Rosie, who were inside popping out yet another squalling brat who would run around and lisp endearingly for the next fifty thousand pointless fics, came out to see what they were doing.

"Look, Mum, Uncle Frodo's a pirate!" Sammie cried.

Rosie looked suitably impressed, and wondered if the eyepatch would stay on if it was covered in marmalade

"Do you want to be pirates too?" Daisy asked her parents. Sam very quickly remembered that he had something important to do, possibly involving being the mayor or gardening or feeding his many many many children.

Rosie, however, was slightly stoned and didn't think of an excuse fast enough. So Daisy and Sammie recruited her to play a captive, which involved tying her up and making her walk the plank.

"Now you save her, Uncle Frodo!" they explained perkily.

"But I'll get girl germs," Frodo complained, and then fell over because he hadn't for a while.


Part 5:

"Porn..." Frodo muttered to himself. "Gay porn..."

"What was that, Uncle Frodo?" Sammie asked brightly, and Frodo blinked back into the present.

"Nothing, Sammie, nothing at all. Just pondering how to rescue your mother."

"Were not," Daisy said stoutly. "You were probably plotting to kill her because she stole Sam-dad from you." Frodo blinked. "There's no use pretending," Daisy continued. "I read all about it on the internet." Daisy liked the internet, because it had lots of free porn.

"What's that?" Sammie asked curiously.

"Nothing, Sammie," Frodo said sweetly, glaring at Daisy venomously. "Just a place that likes to celebrate your non-existence."

"What's going on here?" came a voice, and Sam suddenly appeared from the bushes as if Gandalf had fished him out without preamble. Daisy licked her lips in anticipation.

"oh, Sam!" Frodo said dramatically, draping his slender, yet graceful elvish body with pale skin over Sam's chest. "Your children are tormenting me again!"

Sam frowned. "They're your children as well," he said, but Frodo shushed him.

"Shh, we're not supposed to mention that outright!" he hissed. "Only in not-so-obscure bird metaphors!"

"What about fruit?" Frodo said, licking his lips in a manner that could be considered suggestive. Daisy grabbed Sammie's arm in excitement.

Sam frowned, peeling Frodo off his body much like he would peel a banana. "Mr Frodo, that last paragraph didn't make any sense! Unless you're talking to yourself."

Then there was an offscreen explosion involving swearing and various mutters about misogynists.

Daisy started. "What the fuck was that?" Sammie clung to her.

"I think it was Mary griping about the anti-mum fandom again," Sam sighed.

Frodo licked Sam apologetically. "Sorry about that, Sam," he said sadly.

"No, no Mr Frodo," Sam said, it's all my fault for saying those things - like 'me dear' and 'i love him, whether or no.' The fault's all mine."

"Don't forget that bit where you gave him comfort with your body, Dad," Daisy chimed in.

"Oh, Sam," Frodo said, in a perfect imitation of his movie characterisation. Sammie mimicked gagging and Daisy chewed her fingers in excitement.

Suddenly, they were interrupted by the sound of a harpie's shriek, coming from where Rosie was tied up in the back garden! Frodo leapt back into Sam's arms in fright.

"What the fuck was that?" Sam called out.

"Nothing!" Rosie called back. "Just a harpie elanor scared from the bushes. When are youcoming to rescue me?"

At that, Sam dropped Frodo and stepped forward over him with his hands on his hips in the typical super-hero pose. Sammie imitated a cape billowing out behind him.

"I'll save you!" Sam shouted in a sexually endearing Shire brogue accent; his inherent urge to rescue rising once again.

Meanwhile Frodo, seeing that he was rapidly losing Sam's complete and undivided attention, clutched pitifully at his shoulder, but to no avail. "Curse you, you lusty hobbit wench!" he shrieked, ala Dr Claw from Inspector Gadget, but in a higher pitch. "You'll pay!!"

"Who's Uncle Frodo talking to?" Daisy asked curiously.

"I think he's having another turn," Sammie observed. "Probably brought on by all your livejournal communities!"

Daisy got distracted then, by some dirt. She liked dirt, and couldn't understand why it made Sammie cry. When she next paid attention to her parents it was to find Frodo and Rosie in a catfight, and Sam capering worriedly beside them.

"Daisy! What are we going to do? Mum and Uncle Frodo are behaving fanonically again!"

"That's not even a word, you camp idiot."

Sammie brandished his fists huck-finn style and then began to talk in the cutest english accent ever, so Daisy stopped teasing him.

Sam, meanwhile, had broken up the fight by eating half a bottle of viagra and shagging both his lovers into post-coital silence. He had to do that an awful lot, especially when Frodo was acting like a pissy prima-donna.

His prescription had run out several weeks before and now he was using a home-made version consisting largely of marmalade and vagemite.

Judging by the fact Rosie had birthed forty babies since breakfast, it seemed to be working all right.

Glory n Trumpets: ...

Daisy and Sammie looked up at the sky and screamed, because up on the moon in their Magic Meta Moonbase, Mary had reduced Hope to speechlessness again and now it was raining huge acidic punctuation.

Rosie and Frodo put aside their differences under the onslaught of deadly grammar and dragged a shagged-out Sam under cover. Then they all at taters, which grew to mutantly huge proportions in the strange weather.


Glory n Trumpets: at taters?
lustyhobbitwench: yes. It's a new hobbit custom.
lustyhobbitwench: halfway between ate and et.
Glory n Trumpets: ooo!
lustyhobbitwench: it involves porn.

The end.

~

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