Everything's always dark. It's like your eyes are always closed even if light shines directly in. I heard somewhere once that a person's perception of a situation stems wholly from life experience. Maybe that's why it's dark, because nothing in my life has ever been light and sugary, it's been nothing but blackness. Or maybe it's because in my walled jail cell, the only light is from outside through iron bars, and I've long since blanketed the windows.

I've been visited occasionally, but it's just done to make sure that I keep on track and don't fall back into my old ways. It's funny how 'on track' feels a hell of a lot like sitting on my ass doing nothing but recounting past sins and chain smoking. I'm not even really addicted; I've been tired of it for a while. Now I just kind of zone out and go on autopilot. Every once in a while I go out to the yard and just watch everything go by. The clouds, the fights, the occasional threats on my life, I've just ceased caring it seems.

I've thought about Wolfram and Hart and what would have happened if I hadn't let my conscience take over and just staked Angel without my incredibly elaborate games. I'd probably be living it up, killing on request, just like the boss and me again. God I miss him, he was the one person in my life who I think had actually loved me…that's the one thing I regret most, I didn't make him proud. He gave me everything I ever wanted and then I was used against him, his only weak point. I kill everyone I love. I'm poison. Everything I touch, everything I love turns into a vile repulsive heap or dies and it's all because of the mistake of knowing me. I guess I should have stopped trying to love a long time ago.

That's why I liked it here at first. No one could touch me and nothing could turn to crap, it's already that way. So I'm free, as free as I'll ever be inside barred windows. Just me, a pack of matches and the darkness, just how I thought I'd like it. Angel said that the darkness would swallow me up, turn me back to what I was. Redemption came through light, not darkness. However, what he forgot to mention was that darkness is what comforts us and keeps us sane. He doesn't like to admit it, but he loves the darkness just as I do, and he needs it, just as I do. I was never into the whole sweetness and light thing; it's nothing but darkness and pain.

How am I supposed to redeem myself of my crimes in some little white room anyway? Should I go around the yard and 'save' these little girls who are murderers and fiends like me?

That's how I started thinking about it, what Wolfram and Hart offered, how Angel said I'd never balance out the cosmic scale and, of course, how useless this jail sentence distributed by the prison addicted state of Sunny California was. What ever happened to capitol punishment?

So that's why I decided it. If I was going to die young (and I always knew I was), I wasn't going to do it in some dark cell.

Chapter One