this is the first real book- with real stuff in it not just cut and paste or crazy shit

and i read it a week ago and im shaken beyond all belief

im also filled with ahatred and a rage i have never ever felt

a rage that will become evident when you reaD THIS

for me it was like thinking i could surf the big one with aboogie board

i cried for about four days in my room- talka botu a xanax moment- and i had to drag my gutiar to work it out

and im detached from myself as i read it

its beautifula dn dfunny and so so so horrible

my hate is real and it was never real before- thats not a good thing is it?


i am full of HATE for the first time in my life

im not going to share here who im hating but theres a list and i hate them is a way that has me shaking


i went straiught into druga buse after the death and then into a reltionshipw ith a wonderful man an actor who for nearly three years as is theway of the wasp- we didnt discuss it- so ultimatelky i personally have not dealt with this very weell


beyond the incoherent static of the woerd internet people and dealing with my family and his mona nd sisters

it makes me sad and dull sad but the piercing screaming pain all came back and in more mature ways

i belve somethignr eally shallow after reading this book and maybe oill be attacked ( wow big news that never happens)


i belive that with mentors and with some material comforts- soem real rockstar type material comforts - i dont know a noce HOUSE? a housekeeper? a minder? a car?

some fine living and the abilityt o be mentoredx through the satrun return he could have survuved- i never belived thatbefore

i always thought the suicidial ideation was a fait accompli- i no longer belive that--ive been threatening sucidice since iwas 12 too- just to pout and wonder whod come tomy funeral

and i got over it and i know pleanty of people on this board have too

Charley doesnt thinks o- but after hisbook the "inevitable" factor is for me fucking over

iut didnt need to fucking happen.

and when your ead the end- and when you read the phone calls to me that didnt get through

you may understand why i am sitting here catatonic nearly trying to play through it

but you know what- its my fucking fault- it really is. ultimately i feel its myfucking fault- not being on that ohone

so blame away because i agree with you now.

i pretty much want to die and cant move- and if ididnt have my daughter i might just do it-im so tired and it will never ever end
the grief an dmisery -

ive never been to a suidiced support group=- ittrierd bu ( obviously) everyone was starung at me

its seven fucking years and charleys book makes me throw up in hate and paina nd sashame and how i thought i knew ebverything and these motherfuckers

just used him these exectuiives took his money and ran like hell

charley gets this one doctor the one who told me to have an abortion and hed give me morhine and he died at his desk with a needle in his arm- oh the madness of this whole thing

iw atch the way fred is treated and i just feel pain

he was treated like SHIT by the people around him

this was punk rock and he was a hick- he hadnt paid his dudes- he dressed wrong- he wasnt like thurston or peter buck or dave pirnber or anyone who had come up throught he zsystme and i belive they hated him far far more than they ever hated me- and thats ho wme and sonci blast got into sucha fight- he cut the wrong nerve- fucked with the worng artery

i will have a union and that union will have aggressive health care for musicians

and thats all.

i will have it. period.
or there is no point fo rme to be alive.

its too sad and i had to get it out of my house and beg his family not to read it